I have a theory, and I’m probably not the only one, that if you like Christmas music, you’ve probably never worked a retail job during the holidays. If you have, and you somehow still like Christmas music, there’s no help for you.
I’d be so bold as to claim that without Christmas music, the ever-expanse time spent in the Christmas season would be significantly more bearable. Everywhere plays the same, what, like 13 songs, over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over until you just want to die. Do they make new Christmas music? Who knows? Not the fucking grocery store, that’s for sure, and if they did, it would suck, just like all the other Christmas music.
Except for The Vandals’ “Oi to the World,” an equally hilarious send up of both punk rock and the Christmas season.
I could go on and on about The Vandals and how they don’t get enough credit as punk band, let alone for their comedic timing in songwriting, which, IS REALLY FUCKING HARD TO DO, but for me, my holiday season isn’t complete until I hear about the rooftop fistfight between two British skinheads, celebrating Christmas with your penis, spreading venereal decease for the holidays, the last miserable Christmas before hanging yourself, and the oh-so-beautiful, Crass inspired take on the corporate mastery and fascist power of Christmas.
It’s the most wonderful time of the year.
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Come on, not even The Pogues' Fairytale of New York?
Also, and this one is a bit of a guilty pleasure because it will tick all the boxes you just noted, but the NEW collaboration with the Old 97s and Kevin Bacon (yeah, the Kevin Bacon) called "Here it is Christmastime"